Dad

Dad was unwell last Wednesday, I got a phonecall from Mum, 'Where are you? Can you come here now?' Panic stations! When I got there everything seemed as it had been for the past week, Dad in the little bedroom, in bed and Mum sitting beside him having a natter. Seems today was going to be a little different. While Mum had been trying to get Dad up to go to the loo he had blacked out on her and it took her quite a while to bring him round. He now seemed settled and sleepy. He was tucked up in bed and had responded to me when I spoke to him, he had smiled and waved. Now while I stood and chatted to Mum in the room he seemed to be straining to lift his head and then I noticed his mouth moving. He appeared to think he was still eating the beaten up egg Mum had given him for lunch, asked if the cup was empty and then lay down again. His tablets had been changed and I wondered if they were making him act a bit odd.

What to do... call a doctor... call an ambulance... leave him to sleep it off. Perhaps looking back on it we made the wrong call but we decided to leave him and see how he was later. His breathing was more laboured and we knew the last time he had been in hospital the doctors had done lots of tests on his lungs. He was asked many times if he had ever worked with hay or asbestos which made me wonder if now that we had got his heart and pacemaker sorted his lungs were going to let him down.

About 10.30pm an emergency doctor took the decision out of our hands and after talking to Mum on the phone decided that the hospital was the best place for Dad. I arrived while everyone was still at the A&E department. Lynsey had been with Mum at the house to help her pack some things to bring so I was glad of that. Dad was aware we were there and all wrapped up in his sleep blanket from the house, seems the ambulance hadn't been kitted out with blankets that night. We stayed with him for a while and eventually the Nurse suggested we all go home as it might be a long wait to get him onto the ward.

Thursday 28th October 2010 - 11.45am Phonecall from Mum telling me the hospital just rang to say Dad had fallen, hit his head and they suggested we might want to come up as he was in bad shape. I did a quick run home with my pupil and headed straight up to the hospital. Mum and Roy were in the Sisters Office with the doctor in charge who was explaining what had happened. Dad stood up, passed out, hit his head, heart and lungs when into full arrest so a full resuscitation then took place. Dad was now okay but obviously in very poor health. He asked us if another arrest took place did we want the medical staff to intervene. I became upset. These are the words anyone with an ill family member must surely dread being asked. His life in our hands! The doctor suggested we nip out for a few minutes to see Dad to assure us that he was okay. I sometimes kinda wish we hadn't because his bed was surrounded by doctors and nurses, his head was covered in a huge swab and his face and hair were bloody. A few minutes with him and then back into that office to face some facts and truth. Without the resuscitation work he would now be dead, did we want to put him through that again or was it time to say, no? I think we all shrug our shoulders, sighed, mumbled and didn't really know what to say. I remember saying something like, he has no quality of life, he isn't happy and bringing him back would not be what he would want so what is the point. ME saying THAT... ME? For many years I couldn't even think about what life would be like without my Dad around and not cry my eyes out and now here I was being the first one to say what we were all sitting thinking.

We all agreed that enough was enough and if his heart and lungs stopped again we would have to let him go.

Eventually the nurses got Dad cleaned up and settled enough for us to be able to go and see him. He knew us, and was able to say a few words. He was so weak, his breathing so laboured and his pulse very erratic. Even at this stage he was telling us that he had had enough, 'no more' so we all knew that our decision had been the right one. A bed was finally got in ward 16 so Dad was moved into there, the ward he had spent about 5 weeks on and got to know Maurice and Henry.

Friday 29th October 2010 - 6am Phonecall from Mum, the hospital rang and asked us to come up to help settle Dad as he kept pulling the oxygen mask off and then his sats dropped setting off the alarms. Mum and I went up and stayed with him until about noon when Roy came to take over. We managed to get some porridge into him and he enjoyed seeing Sally when she came on duty. We teased him about having his staples and the oxygen mask that he had his halloween costume all sorted.

We all came up that night, he asked me 'Where are your wee childer' I told him they were coming up to see him. He said to Hannah, 'You're a quire wee cuttie, what are you?' She replied, 'I am a quire wee cuttie, what are you Granda?' He replied, 'I am a quire wee cub!' Lynsey got one of their special handshakes before all too quick visiting time was over. Roy and Shaeron were up and they stayed on with Mum for a while longer.

Saturday 30th October 2010 - 2.30am Call from the ward staff nurse asking me to come up and sit with him for a while because again he was unsettled and the mask kept coming off. He was weak, unable to talk but trying to cough. He must have felt like he had phlegm in his throat. I tried to give him a sip of water but I don't think he had the energy to suck it up the straw so I tried just putting it to his lips. I remembered Mum saying that she just held his hand when we tried to reach for the mask so thats what I did, I got the chair up tight to the side of the bed, I reached across and held his hand. From time to time he wriggled it free and waved it about a bit or he gave a cough so I just gently patted his chest. If i moved or let go of him he would struggle to open his eyes and I would lean over and tell him I was still here and that I hadn't gone away. He did get quite fidgety at one point and when I asked him if he wanted me to bring Mum up he nodded, I came out and rang Roy because I just couldn't make that decision on my own. He suggested we let her sleep until morning because tomorrow was going to be another long day. So I went back in and got comfy again, reassured Dad that Mum was coming up later, we were going to let her sleep a bit longer but that she would be up soon and sat beside him holding his hand. After about an hour I noticed that his head seemed more relaxed and he was less restless. His mouth began to relax and his breathing seemed deeper. I am not sure at what point the thought went through my mind that he seemed a little too deep in sleep but for some reason I felt compelled to take a photograph of me holding his hand. I always loved my Daddy's hands once strong, slightly rough and quite often dirty from work and now they were pale, so soft and still.

I sat on until Sally came round with the breakfast, during the night several nurses were round to check blood sugar, he never stirred even with them pricking his finger for blood. I knew in my heart that he was slipping away. I tried gently to wake him, rinsed out the face cloth and gave his face a little wash but he was sound asleep. Sally suggested that I go home for some sleep and she would give him some porridge when he came round, she would keep it warm or order some fresh. I gave him a kiss and left him at about 9am.

Mum got the call about 10am to come up because they couldn't rouse him. I came back up shortly after that. We spoke to Dr Hughes who told us there was nothing more they could do and asked if we wanted to disarm the defibrillator so that it would still pace the heart but just wouldn't shock him if the heart went into abnormal rhythm. I said that I wouldn't want it shocking him because he hated it, hated the feeling and I would hate him to feel it or be distressed by it any further. It was agreed between the three of us that they would place a magnet over it therefore preventing it from triggering.

We sat with him with the curtains closed waiting for the nurses to clear a side room for us so we could be with him in private. The man in the next bed, a lovely little man who seemed to know all the nurses and doctors by name was lying listening to his personal cd player. Every now and then he would sing a few lines of what sounded like a hymn. It made me smile.

We stepped outside while they moved his bed, Robin the minister arrived and flew in to say a quick prayer. Fat lot of use that really was at this stage but however!

Sally came in to take blood, into sideward 2 and announced that she was so delighted with Alex for having just moved a doctor out of this little room. 'I am a doctor you know!' She said she knew that but there was someone more important who needed the room! She is awesome!

So we spent the day with Alex/Dad/Granda we came and went, we laughed we cried. Mum and I sat reading the paper and listening to fireworks until about midnight when Roy arrived up. I had mentioned to him that with Dad's Halloween costume if he was going to go I just knew he would wait until the 31st to do it!

Sunday 31st October 2010 - 3.30am Roy rang, 'That's it all over.'

My Daddy died at 3.20am peacefully in his sleep and Roy was in the room when it happened. In a why I am glad I wasn't there and glad Mum didn't see the monitor with all the flat lines. Part of me thinks he almost planned it. Michael and I went up and sat with Mum and Roy in the relatives room until the nurses had finished preparing the body. We were able to go in and say goodbye to him, it was strange to see him lying flat and without the mask. His mouth was open and his face was drained of colour, he felt cool but not cold and his skin oddly waxy and firm.

'Goodnight Daddy, you fought bravely to the end and you did us all proud, good night, sleep well.'

6am - We came home and made tea.

We wandered about the house wondering what to do next.

We ate cerial.

We made lists.

We made Mum go to bed.

Shaeron arrived at 8am to stay in the house with Mum and I went home to tell the girls.

Hannah was first down the stairs, she asked if everything was okay so I told her. We both cried.

I eventually went up to see Lyn who was cuddled up in bed, I think something inside her died when I said the words she was dreading to hear.

Oddly now thinking back everything upto this point is so crystal clear and sitting here now I really cannot recall what happened next, the blur of phonecalls, text messages, emails. The flurry of thoughts about what needs organised.

Funeral directors, flowers, newspaper notice, clothes, forms, wills, papers, people, phonecalls, arghghghghghg!