Three years and a bit on!

Well what a difference a day, a week or even a month makes.  My last post was full of hope about getting married, my new very large family and this one couldn't be more different. 

Two months ago I found out my husband of only a year had been cheating on me and doing so even before we made it to one year married.  Let me see how many words I can think of to explain my feelings upon finding out such a thing:-

Shocked, gutted, sad, angry, enraged, crazy, embarrased, humilated, angry, empty, hurt, crushed, devistated, confused, angry, upset, disbelief, denial, stunned, oh and did I mention angry?  I could go on and on and on but I guess you get the picture.  I am not an angry person by nature but oh boy was i ever angry at this, angry at his lies and deception, angry that he thought I would accept his feeble excuse, believe him and brush over the details so we could move on, angry that he has never learnt from previous mistakes, angry that he not only lied to me but to all my friends and family, angry that he let me trust him.

My mood swings have been like a rollercoaster ride over the past few months and I believe I really hit my low point about two weeks ago, low to the point where I was corresponding with him in angry texts one minute and telling him I missed what we had in the next.  It is all very confusing and very upsetting. 

He doesn't seem to feel guilt and shows very little remorse.  He will not give me answers to my questions to help me understand and heal and I doubt he really ever will give me those answers.  whether I trudge on myself and find them in whatever way it takes is something I need to think about, is it really worth the effort or should I just suck up what happened to me and move on with my life, chalk it up to another bit of experience under my belt?  The word  narcissistic has been bandied about by several people who by all accounts have every right to feel this way about him and he has even called himself it on occasion.  I am starting to believe he is just that! 

So if he won't give me answers I will try to find them myself and during many hours of interesting reading I have learned quite a bit about the subject of Narcissism:

' men are more narcissistic than women across the lifespan. Male and female narcissists both share a marked need for attention, the propensity to manipulate, and a keen interest in charming the other sex. This bent is so strong that some psychologists argue that narcissism may have evolved as a strategy to secure sexual partners in the short-term. The ways in which narcissists of both genders pursue their quarry reinforces this possibility.'

Hmm...

'A cross section of the narcissist's ego will reveal high levels of self-esteem, grandiosity, self-focus, and self-importance. They think they are more physically attractive and intelligent than just about everyone, and would rather be admired than liked. They are enraged when told they aren't beautiful or brilliant but aren't affected much if told they are jerks.'

Better cancel that bill board of him with a dick on his forehead!

'While narcissists often love the sound of their own voice, they don't always sound pretty to others. Subjects who scored higher in narcissism engaged in more disagreeable verbal behaviors, arguing and cursing more'

There were many unpretty sounds that came out of him. 

'both narcissistic men and women engage in time-tested sexual strategies. They also report more short-term hook-ups and a greater desire for this type of union. This relentless short-term focus is a key to both their dark charm and to the predictable downward trajectory of their relationships.'

Kerching!  Penny dropped!  BINGO!!!!!

He has fucked up FIVE serious relationships and hurt FIVE decent women, fathered FIVE children to three of those women... seems that five is the golden number!  Hmm... incidently we were married in the fifth month of the year and split up in the same month!  Come to think of it its probably the number of times he ever cleaned the bathroom after moving in here (if it was even five)! 

Oh yeah and its the number of times I would like to give him a kick in the balls... one for every broken heart he caused! 

 I question who the man really was that I married.  I know I fell in love with one man and split up with a very different one. 

So here I go again, picking up the pieces, re-forming my life and trying to get my self-confidence and self esteem back in a good place. 

Wish me luck!