Single Mum = Fecking hard work!

Just had a major heart to heart with dd1 seems I have managed to naff off both my children by putting a movie before a formal dress!

In brief:

Been having major hassles this past few weeks with dd2 over her 'secret' life online. She appears to be 15 going on 19 and getting herself into things she really isn't able to comprehend. Attitude rates about -9 on the scale at times and it resulted in confiscation of her mobile phone and laptop. Her subsequent rant about how she needed her phone to 'help me get through work' roused my suspicions enough for me to feel justified in looking through her messages. I am BIG on personal privacy so this was a very serious matter for me. I was pretty taken aback with the amount and content of some of the texts I found especially since quite a few of them appeared to be from boys/men a lot older than her.

Major Mother/daughter talk later and I felt as though we had sorted quite a lot out and she understood why she was being grounded and had privileges taken from her. It is at this point that I question my parenting skills, I am either too soft, too forgetful or I just hate the hassle of keeping stuff like this going but after a week I gave her back her phone and on Sunday past she was allowed her laptop back. I hated the thought of her being out and about, in town, on her way from school and I wasn't able to ring to see where she was or where I had to pick her up etc., hence the reason I gave her phone back. She said she needed her laptop to do school work at her Father's house, hence the giving back of the laptop.

I then find out that she has registered on a 'dating site' and is posing as a 19 year old who has a child and drives a FECKING Mini! Arghghghghghg.

So... she arranges a night to go look at formal dresses at some woman's house, appointment needed etc., arranges to go with her friend and her Mum on Monday evening knowing fine well I always go out to the cinema on a Monday evening. My dilemma... should I have dropped everything to accommodate her or was I right to dig my heels in and tell her I couldn't make it. The film? Citizen Kane. Could I have watched it on DVD or another night in the cinema? Possibly. The thing about this is that it feels a little bit like Hannah snaps her fingers and I come a running. She knew knew KNEW Monday night wouldn't suit me but went ahead and said it would. Right now I hate her Dad even more for appearing to potter his way through life seemingly guilt free thinking he is gods gift to Fathering when really he is a self centered useless arse wipe of a man who makes his kids feel guilty when they ask him for anything.

DD1 pointed out that a few weeks ago I suggested that she and her b/f seemed to be spending every waking moment together and it all just seemed a bit heavy duty. Tonight I had that comment chucked right back at me! I was quick to point out that there was a bit of a difference between a 40 year old woman having her partner stay over or staying over at his and a 21 year old who still lives at home with her Mum and sister having her b/f stay over. Her comment about me not being her when H has to get up for school was a bit lame because even if I was here I tend to stay well out of the way of a hormonal 15 year old who defo isn't a morning person.

Arghghghghghghg! Seems to me that when you try to please everyone you end up pleasing nobody. I spend my entire life running about after them, pick up after them, cleaning around them, having to ask them both for help and generally knocking my fecking pan in to keep their home reasonably clean tidy and in a good state of repair while still attempting to have time to spend with them, all that and trying to build a life for me, look after two ageing parents and run a business.

I told dd1 tonight that I just don't have the strength to be both Mum and Dad around here, that having to run and keep a house is not easy and that basically I am doing the work of two parents and I just can't physically do it any more and I refuse to feel guilty for having a social life!

When I was growing up my parents were parents if you know what I mean, I wouldn't have said I was at all 'friends' with them until I was into my late teens. If someone asked me tell me about the time you spent with your parents the most prominent memories would be from holidays in the caravan with both of them. Individual time would amount to helping Dad work on cars or potter about the garage and our walk from the Burns cottage in Scotland back to the caravan to get the spare car keys. With Mum, baking, cleaning the silver and having rollers put in my hair. I believe in my entire childhood we went to two movies, Bambi and Jaws and most other trips out were to shop or visit people. We did do swings and slides but not as often as I would have liked. I parented with the attitude that I wanted to be more of a friend to my kids, do more fun stuff and talk to them on an even level. Perhaps I wasn't a 'proper' parent enough and then when I need to be they don't take me seriously.

Damn it... 1.35am and probably little chance of good sleep tonight although typing all this out of my head will help a bit I hope.