Contrasts

Do you think you really need to have shitty times in order to appreciate really good times and how come as soon as you hit a high you quickly come down to earth again with a low?

Ok so yesterday was spent celebrating my daughters 21st birthday. Embarrassing photos of her as a snotty nosed child, balloons up all over the house, presents, cards etc. The day accumulated with a bunch of close friends and family going out for a meal together, more balloons and a surprise birthday cake. It was a lovely evening and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. L got some lovely presents and said she had had a super day.

Tired, I went to bed and slept content.

This morning I woke and went to pick up my parents, my task today was to run Dad down to see his doctor. He appeared to be in better form and we set off in his car. We had no sooner left their street when Dad gasped and told me to slow down because he felt dizzy. I should point out that I had just turned out of their street and wasn't going fast, me accelerating obviously had made him feel worse. So I slowed and after a few seconds he said he was okay. Just as I was approaching and slowing for the red light I looked over at him and asked if he was alright. He let out a yelp, a look of absolute terror came over his face and he reached out. I knew right away that his de-fib had just fired. I got stopped to calm him down as the shock of what had just happened had started to kick in. He said he felt like his head had just exploded.

It is really quite shocking to see a parent like that. Mum didn't really know what had happened at first and kept muttering about being glad that she hadn't been driving at the time, glad that I was there. I was glad I was there too! I felt okay at the time, coped well with him and was able to calm him down get him breathing steady and settled. Afterwards when I get home I feel like shit, wiped and like I could sleep for a week.

We had to park outside the doctor's surgery and get the doctor to come out and see him. Pulse was checked and he talked to him for a while before he decided it was okay for him to come inside for further checks. Age really is a bummer, I so hope that I either grow old in good health and then just drop down dead or if my health does become bad I hope I go a bit potty and don't really realise it. I know for my Dad he becomes so frustrated because in his mind he feels like a man in his 40's, he has things he wants to do, ideas, work that needs done but when he tries to physically do them he is buggered. Odd too that you watch your parents grow old and don't really notice it until you see them standing in a doctors surgery looking frail, fragile and vulnerable. I stood behind him and almost wanted to shake him, shake that old man and shout, let my Daddy back out! It was like I could just shake the age off him, peel the skin back and out would step the big strapping strong man I once knew, with an ever smiling face, big work hands, strong arms and dark oiled back hair.

I can't and some day perhaps my children will stand there and see me like that.

I sometimes wonder who advancements in medical science are really for, the patient to prolong their life? The family to prolong them having their loved one? The Medical profession just to prove they can? I sometimes wonder what things would have been like if Dad had died when he had his heart attack or his aneurysm, would we always have lived feeling like we had been robbed of precious years with him? Would we have been glad he didn't have to grow old and suffer any more? Without knowing what we know how we would never have said the latter, so a life of highs and lows. Of course I am glad he didn't, it has been nice having him around for his words of advice and help even if we did almost come to blows on a number of occassions.

If I am hit and killed by a bus tomorrow would my children see it as a blessing I didn't have to go on into old age and become sick, angry and infirm?

I guess life really is for living and provided I can stay clear of the 5a I think I want to pack as much in so at least I have lots to think about and talk about when I become older and wrinklier.

Odd kinda day, just needed to type all that out of my head.